Well, what *I* think is wrong with me, is that most of the time for the things that should be most important to me, well...they just aren't. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I honestly bother with things as trivial as school activities when they,
1. Benefit me in no way whatsoever outside school for the most part
2. Take up my already dwindling time
3. Stress me out for nothing
Yet, I do them anyway [the school activities] Sure, I feel good about myself when I pull something off in school, and gain more respect from my peers and teachers, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE OUT OF SCHOOL!?!? College, for example. There is NO WAY I'd be able to get into a decent college at the rate my life is progressing and I KNOW that I should just shut the heck up and stop complaining and bloody well DO something about it, but I can't.
Call it lack of willpower, call it idiocy, call it procrastination, but recently, I've found it so damn difficult to just get OFF my butt and DO something productive. And I hate myself for it. I LOATHE this feeling. Day after day, I tell myself: tomorrow will be better. It has to be better. [yes, that is deemed as procrastination. har. har] But it's not. My holidays are just going by at the speed of light, leaving me, reeling from the shock of it all, in the dust.
Father Time, please slow down.
Which brings me to this very simple, very straightforward conclusion.
I have no drive.
Not only that, I have no motivation, I have no ambition, no commitment, NOTHING. Not a Goddamned thing. And yet, here I sit. Blogging.
Why do I do this to myself? I'm so tired of all this. My blog posts have just been filled with complaints, sorrows, my problems, and a philosophical word or two.
How. utterly. dull.
Such is, the life of an idiotic, no-ambition, teenager.
I want to change. I really do. I've tried doing the little things, like cleaning up my room [WHICH I'VE PUT OFF SINCE LAST YEAR] to no avail. I start cleaning up, find something, get distracted and completely forget to finish what I started. Such a short attention span in a person should be a felony.
I've had these weird dreams lately, [yes this is relevant] where I don't realise it's a dream. [Prepare for a lengthy, confusing explanation. It's ok if you don't get it.] Ok so what happens is the dream revolves around a common theme, but it's technically not the same thing, and I've had these kinds of dreams so many times. How it goes is, I'm lying on my bed with my eyes closed. Even though my eyes are closed, I possess a crisp, clear picture of my surroundings in my head. I know exactly where everything is, and why shouldn't I? It's my room.
Anyhoo, I'm in this state of limbo. An in between consciousness and sleep. [Inception, anybody?] And I realise I'm in this state, and I try to wake up. I want to open my eyes but I can't. I try to sit up, kick, move, anything that would give me a hint that I'm not in limbo anymore. To no avail. It's an odd sensation really, I don't exactly feel scared, but I'm not comfortable either. It's like my mind and my body weren't connected. Like I was a different person. This game of trying to wake up and sleeping goes on repeatedly until I actually do wake up. Or so I think I've woken up. In the dream, I've finally woken up and I'm sitting upright. I feel around my bed, touch my face, look around, trying to discern whether or not I'm really awake.
And then for real, like seriously for real, I actually wake up. My eyes fly open and I don't sit up just yet. I wait a while, feeling around my bed, touching my face. Am I really awake? I slowly sit up and look around. Everything seems real, but how do I know for sure I've finally come back to reality. Simple. I get off my bed, wash my face, and go online. No joke. For some time, I just read people's tweets and facebook awhile. Just to be sure I'm awake. And I go back to sleep.
When I wake up, it's a new day and I wonder if whatever happened before, really did happen.
Now this instance where I described it to you, that was one of the more recent times when I had that dream. The first few times when I had that dream, I went back to sleep the moment I was sure I was awake and continued to wake up several times throughout the night. Overactive thinking? Possibly. Highly possible, infact. Or maybe I'm crazy.
HOW IS THIS RELATED?! You may ask. Well, I've tried interpreting this dream [if that's what you'd like to call it] to the best of my ability and this is what I've come up with. A part of me, [and a big one at that] wants to stay, forever in my dreams. Nestled in the comfort and safety of imagination, where nothing would go wrong. But another part of me, the sensible part, won't allow it. Mr. Sensible pokes and prods at Mr. Dreamer to snap out of it and face facts. Reality sucks, we all get that. But staying in your own dream world benefits no one, not even yourself.
Well, I hope you all learn from my mistakes and are not reduced to a level so low and pathetic that you can't even bring yourself to be productive. Here's to hoping I change for the better and do something useful with my life.
Ciao4Now
