Mondays = Horrible, miserable, jump-off-a-cliff, terrible, despicable and all things evil
Fridays = Magical, wonderful, beautiful, live-for-the-moment, incredible and all things angelic
But my Monday has seriously been crap. It started out alright, and the day itself was okay. Actually when I come to think of it, it only got worse after 10pm. Still counts as part of the day, no?
Is it selfish that I want to do so many things in the short, one year I have left in high school? Does the fact that I have my priorities screwed up, and my studies in a mess make me a selfish person? Or does that just mean that I need to get my life in order? I really don't know anymore, and is there even a difference?
I want to have so many things, do so many things, be so many things, but what do I have to give in return? Hardly anything. We all want to be great, and we all want to do great things, but what is the price of achieving all those things? I sure as heck don't know the answer to that, I am nowhere near being 'great' nor am I a great person.
I ask, demand and want but I give next to nothing in return. Now that I think about it, even what I give in thanks and gratitude seem like a meagre and trivial tokens next to the things I ask for and, most of the time, I am lucky enough to eventually get those things. Which makes me think; I don't count my blessings.
We're all a little bit selfish sometimes, but today, right now, I feel as if I've been the Grinch who stole Christmas. I don't know why. Maybe it's hormones. [Damn you, adolescent years!] or maybe it's self-realisation. Either way, I seem to be the only one feeling this way. I explained my situation to a few people and they tell me that there should be no reason for me to feel this way, except I do feel this way. And I hate it.
I don't think I've been selfish and wrong. Yes, I'll admit to being a bum, a slob and possibly even an idiot but I don't think I've been THAT selfish. Now I'm just rambling. Don't you hate it when you ramble on and on and on and you catch yourself rambling and mentally slap yourself?
I don't deserve a lot of things, and I have a feeling I won't be getting some things that I wanted previously. It's alright, I suppose. I don't need those things. What I need though, is to feel like I haven't done something so wrong, so mean, that I am deemed selfish through my actions.
I hate this feeling, but I think I deserve it. I don't know the difference anymore.
I just don't know anymore.
I don't know.
Ciao4Now
